Guest house

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

Some momentary awareness comes

As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

Who violently sweep your house

Empty of its furniture,

Still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

For some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

Meet them at the door laughing,

And invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

Because each has been sent

As a guide from beyond.

-Rumi

How have I never heard this poem before?

It’s interesting to be in a place where serendipitous moments are entering my life:

a poem

an overwhelming urge to text encouragement to a friend

seemingly random messages from someone that come at exactly the right time

a breathtaking sunset when I’ve been trudging through a really long day

and unpleasant interaction that has a positive and unexpected outcome…

I suspect that those moments of serendipity are always there, but

I’m not always watching for them or maybe not receptive to them.

Perhaps wrapped in a fog of anxiety or looking inward because of depression.

I like being aware of these moments and I appreciate looking for the good when its not immediately obvious…

Opportunity for joy, optimism and what if!

Some days

I’m working on learning not to keep track of what I haven’t gotten done…

and practicing an awareness of what I have done.

Some days it’s not about writing lengthy, eloquent blog posts, cleaning the whole house to impress some random person who might drop by, or painting a great piece of art…

Some days it’s all about sitting in the emergency room, smearing a layer of paint on an art journal page which may never be “finished”, and running a half-full dishwasher load without remembering to add the detergent.

Some days it’s about acknowledging that the tears that randomly flow are valid and not weakness… a sign that while the work may not be done – I am done and it is time to rest.

Like the journal page, most things are never really finished – the dishes, the laundry, the dust will wait.

Today, I am holding the belief that what I have done (imperfectly) is enough and that I am enough and even though I am not certain of this (yet) it is enough for today.

“Sometimes the interruptions are the work.” Andi Ashworth

Assemblage

It’s been awhile since I published here.

I’m learning to prioritize the now, and that I can’t do it all and have it all. For the longest time I’ve been running without direction and without an awareness that I’ve been moving too fast…trying to get “caught up” and not even understanding what it was I was trying to accomplish.

As I read that, I think that is the very definition of survival mode – living in “flight or fight” which is not actually living at all.

Two plus years of therapy and a lot of work have been slowly changing my life.

Maybe, change isn’t the right word.

For years I have chosen a word to guide me through the new year and this year’s word is “assemblage”.

Instead of change, I like to think that I’m assembling thoughts, ideas and practices into a new way of living – much like assembling an art piece out of bits and pieces of collected “treasures” which are often (for me) worn-out and cast-away remnants that have outlived their usefulness in the world.

I’m not really discarding parts of myself, but re-visiting and looking at things with more clarity and intention. I’m trying to figure out which parts are important to the composition and which parts no longer serve a purpose – and developing a deeper understanding of grace in the journey.

I’m writing here today with the idea that I’d like to continue doing so.

Is it a good idea? Is it relevant to who I am today? Do I have anything that needs to be said – or more importantly heard?

I don’t know, but I am being braver about trying things out and being willing to fail.

I believe that if I do continue to write here my focus will be on what I’m doing to live with more intention – in my personal life, my home and my art.

I think I’d like to talk about:

my home and and newly found clarity about the fact that I’m definitely not a minimalist, but can’t stand clutter…

our finances – which are a mess, but fixable (she said with hope, optimism and also, doubt)…

my art and what purpose it serves…

and maybe, me…

So, writing what I’ve been writing all along, but with more focus on the intentionality of it all.

How does that sound?

real

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I’m going to get real here for just a moment.

I’m doing a lot of things to change my behavior, my attitude, my perceptions and just generally remake my life since my old one seemed to literally break apart.

I’m trying to learn to meditate: to become more mindful. I’m using the Mindspace app. It might actually have started to make sense today. Sort of. In a vague and hazy way. I think it might be helping.

I don’t really know if it is or not. I tend to be a “little” critical of myself. (In real terms, I think I’m an idiot most of the time). That’s not an affirming statement, I know. I’m a work in progress.

I wrote this kind of poetic and insightful set of words yesterday about mindfulness.

I’m finding that practice is neither poetic or insightful.

I’m supposed to be “noting” and identifying thoughts and feelings and gently move them – as with a feather on the rim of a crystal glass – clearing my head to refocus on my breathing.

Hmmm.

My head is so busy this seems to be an extremely impractical way to go about things. I keep getting an image of myself chucking an angry chicken in the midst of all those thoughts. At the very least, a feather duster to clear things out.

I’ve made enough progress to know that this would be a bad idea

I’ll keep trying the feather.

thoughts

“Mindfulness is a pause – the space between stimulus and response:

that’s where choice lies.” – Tara Brach

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Today I will show up with intention.

To let go of what I struggled with yesterday…

To dwell in the possibility of right now.

To not reach into tomorrow.

Today I will practice being mindful.

To allow a pause between the fear and my reaction.

To observe without judgement.

And to comfort myself with grace.

here I am

I am here.

Here I am.

Today…

Imperfectly

Learning

Practicing

Choosing

Working

Loving

Present & Worthy

try again

Sigh…

So today I choose to begin again.

I was not “all healed” yesterday.

I didn’t get everything “right”.

I messed up – a lot.

This mindfulness stuff is hard.

Feeling the emotions without reacting to them doesn’t even really make sense – yet.

I will try again today.

And maybe I will do just a little bit better.

Maybe it will make a little more sense today.

I’m searching for that “aha” moment.

There’s so many feelings going on right now.

It’s a lot “out of control”

One day at a time unless that seems like too long…

I’ve typed up a “recovery daily checklist”.

Meditations, reading assignments, journaling, exercise, art time…

and (sigh) therapy today…

jon tyson – unsplash

the end

This post has been weeks in the writing – written, deleted, pondered, re-written, stared at, ignored and left to sit in forlorn solitude.

Why?

What is the importance of a single blog post written by an obscure blogger sitting in a manufactured home in the middle of nowhere?

I have no answer to those questions or many other questions that I find myself asking lately.

I did find this quote by Flannery O’Connor:

“I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.”

Maybe that’s the answer.

Or maybe not…

Maybe the answer doesn’t matter.

I’m kind of liking this quote by Joan Didion:

“We tell stories in order to live.”

Maybe I should just quit worrying about the why.

My life feels hard right now.

It would be more truthful to say that my life has always been hard and I have decided to admit it and do something about it.

A little over a month ago I hit the end.

I no longer had the ability to go on.

I was done.

And somehow the end turned into a beginning.

I asked for help.

It has not been fun.

Quite frankly, it has been a shit show.

I have failed spectacularly over and over again.

I’m still not sure that there is any importance in a single blog post written by an obscure blogger sitting in a manufactured home in the middle of nowhere but I’m trying to figure that out.

And I’m told that the journey over the past month has been the easy part. Now the real work begins.

That is terrifying.

I’m going to keep going anyway.

“Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.” -Brene Brown

A little over a month ago, I hit what I’m choosing to call the end.

57

57 degrees today and sunny. Woohoo! Still quite a bit of snow and ice on the ground, but it is melting nicely.

Our water is on and we didn’t have any damage to the pipes.

The septic has thawed and working just fine.

I am definitely not moving any farther north. This was not my idea of a good time.

I celebrated today by ordering more seeds for the spring garden. We had just started our greenhouse at the onset of the first winter storm. It did well, stayed warm enough not to build up a significant amount of snow even without heat. Our seedlings stayed in the kitchen since we didn’t have time to finish the construction.

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The chickens are much happier now that things are warming. Our coop is still a work in progress and has been designed for 100 degree summer days. There are things I would do differently as we finish it if I anticipated much of this type of weather. We didn’t have enough plastic to wrap the trampoline cover we used for the front and back. A heat lamp with concrete block pavers underneath it held enough heat when combined to the deep bedding method we’ve been doing. All our compostable stuff and kitchen scraps go in there so they do the work for us.

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I’ve been learning as much as I can about permaculture through books and videos on You Tube. I can really appreciate the differences in northern and extreme Southern gardening now. Our rock-lined paths are pretty dangerous obstacles under layers of snow and ice. Heavy mulching seems to help things thaw faster so that was helpful. It’s also helping to absorb the water as everything thaws. The “waterways” I’ve been digging to help save water and divert it to our raised beds don’t really work for snow and ice the way they do for our heavy but infrequent rains.

We are learning as we go and re-purposing and salvaging as many materials as we can. It’s sometimes hard to watch the You Tube videos and see the beautiful gardens. We are just starting out and our set-up seems a little junky. I like the idea of making do with as much as we can without purchasing, but sometimes I wish it looked a little better. Baby steps, right?

Now that the water is on, it’s time to go catch up on dishes and laundry! I hope that where ever you are you are warm and enjoying fresh, running water. Both are a precious gift…

Peace.